Monday, November 30, 2015

What are you (or a character) recovering from right now?


Spinning. Every thing is spinning. Even when I close my eyes. How is that possible? I'm laying down, flat on my back, on my non spinning bed, and yet it feels as though I'm stuck on a merry go round.
My stomach becomes a jumble of knots. I take a deep breath, trying to calm it, but the pressure just makes it worse. On my exhale, the whole world dissolves into my stomach and the need to empty it.
I fall off the bed and army crawl to the door, barely making it to the bedroom trash can.
Being in semi-upright position makes the spinning increase. I moan and flop onto the floor next to the garbage, trying to ignore the smell and how it's increasing my chances of another visit.
My fingers spread through the thick carpet. I wish I could ground myself. Find my balance where everything stays where it's supposed to be.
What is going on with me? This is the second episode this week. Should I call a doctor? Everything I read online is inconclusive, could be a million different reasons for my vertigo.
With my stomach more settled, I slither back to the bed. Pulling myself up must look like I've lost all control of my body, which I have. How humbling this experience is. When I don't have my health, I don't have anything. I'm a slave to my body. I hate this feeling of powerlessness.
"Mommy, you 'kay?" My little guy climbs up next to me. I hope he hasn't spilled the contents of the trash can all over the floor.
"Mommy sick." I get out.
"Sick?" His voice holds a note of concern. "Cuddle?"
I nod. "Cuddle."
His warm little body snuggles up to mine. He burrows his head into my shoulder and rubs my cheek. The motion makes the spinning worse, but I can't bear to ask him to stop. He's showing his reassurance the only way he knows how. "Love you."
"Love you, buddy."
I lie still. All I can do is pray. Pray that a miracle will happen. Pray my world will go back to normal. It's all okay. Breath in. Breath out. Repeat.

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