Disclosure: This one reads like a journal entry. No story telling today...but maybe this weekend, because I could come up with some pretty funny stories related to my fears.
Deep water
Progressive water fear. When I was younger, we took swimming lessons at the local pool, and I loved to swim. My parents would tease me that I was like a fish. And I was. I loved the water and swimming. I still love swimming and the water. But in controlled environments.
I don't know how to explain this. But I feel like water is such a complex thing. It is needed for life, yet it takes away life. So, I have conflicted feelings about it. I am okay with water in controlled circumstances. But when it comes to open, deep water, it becomes a threat to me.
I think the first time I realized my water fear, or maybe what created my water fear, was watching a movie in elementary school about water safety.
A young boy decides to get in a river without a floatation device or parental supervision, and is caught in a whirlpool and drowns. It shows his friends and family mourning him, wondering where he went, why he hasn't come home, imagining what his life could be like, all sorts of traumatic things. I'm sure the video was meant to instill the importance of water safety, but it downright frightened me. Ever since then, I have been extremely afraid of rivers, lakes, and especially the ocean.
When we lived in Hawaii, I got taken out by a wave and dashed into some black lava rock. If you're not familiar with those rocks, they hurt and really cut up the skin. It was crazy because, the waves we small and coming in so peacefully until I stepped onto the beach. Then a couple huge waves came tumbling in, taking me out in the process. I don't know if it was the law of attraction or what, but it sure shook me up. That was the one and only time I went into the ocean the whole time I lived there.
I don't think I'm afraid of drowning, but I think I'm afraid what is lurking below the surface. Like a whirlpool. Or a shark. Or a man eating fish. If I can't see the bottom of the water, it becomes unknown, and that unknown is scary. As you can imagine, living on the lake and overcoming this fear is quite the complex situation, especially with a husband and son who love water and have no fear. It's definitely going to challenge me. I guess we will see if I can overcome this fear in the future. But as for now, I still feel like running away from the water.
Wild animal attacks
This is something that I have struggled with since I was a child. Was it just me, or did anyone else's dad watch the nature shows on TV? The ones where they show predator attacks?
I am very tender hearted, especially when it comes to animals. Well, animals that are not predators. As for wolves, bears, mountain lions, and all those, I would kill them without a moment's hesitation, because it's either me or them. But with tame animals, or animals that are prey, I couldn't hurt them if it meant life or death.
When we lived in Island Park, Idaho for the summer, we lived in a cabin in the woods where bears and moose were prevalent. I never took walks alone. And when Ted and I did venture out, I was always on guard, constantly checking our surroundings. When it was after dark and I needed something from the store, I let it go until the next day. And, if I did get home after dark, walking from the car to the house felt like the longest journey of my life. It was all I could do to get inside without freaking out.
Now, I'm completely okay with driving through Yellowstone National Park, and other areas that have wildlife. But I feel safe because I'm in a car. I'm also okay with camping in a trailer, because I feel like I have a wall of protection. But, being in a tent is like torture for me. I can't sleep at all because of the fear.
Ted and I went on a hike in Yellowstone last year. I was a busy conservation area, with nice, well groomed trails and amazing views. It rounded at the base of the tetons with a lake, which provided quite the backdrop. As incredible as the hike was, I remember feeling on edge the whole time. I don't think it helped that there were bear warning signs posted all along the trail, and we hadn't planned on hiking, so we didn't prepare ourselves with proper protection. Because of that, I had a hard time enjoying myself, and probably won't do a hike like that again until I am more prepared.
We really enjoy going to the badlands and hiking. I always felt extremely safe, because I didn't think there were any predators, aside from the occasional badger or coyote. But, when I was driving through with my parents, we saw a mountain lion, which is a very rare thing, because they usually avoid people. But it was in a high traffic area at the beginning of the park, which makes me rather nervous, aside from the fact that my mom and step dad had just hiked a trail not 100 meters from the spot. It made me imagine up all sorts of scenarios. None of them good. So, this whole last summer, we haven't went out to the park and hiked once. Whereas last year, we were out there almost every weekend. It's sad how my fear has overtaken our lives. That and we were super busy moving and doing other summer activities. But still...
Spiders
This one is not completely irrational. It used to be. But not anymore. When I was in third grade, I remember looking at a book full of spiders and their anatomy. I was intrigued and fascinated by them. But after learning that they had eyes that could see all around their bodies, it kinda freaked me out. Strange that eyes would do that to me, but it did. So, I started to avoid spiders. At this age, I remember my parents also teaching me about black widows, because we used to get them in our barns, so that also increased my wariness of them.
As time went on, I gradually got over this fear. But, a couple years ago, Ted and I were in a desperate situation, and we had to move into the farmhouse, since it was cheap rent. The cheap rent came with the bonus of the spiders. Hobo spiders. And my fear became renewed, rightfully so. Hobo spiders are fast, big, and aggressive. They are also poisonous.
I brought Hesston home from the hospital to this house, and I spent countless nights not being able to sleep, sitting up in bed, listening for Hesston's breathing, hoping he was okay, because I was afraid a hobo spider was going to climb into his crib and bite him. I can't even tell you how terrifying night feedings were. I didn't want to turn all the lights on to wake up Hesston more, so I snuck around in the dark, only turning on a single lamp, which was dull light. It chased away the shadows, and I prayed the spiders too. I think the worst was when I found a couple hobo spiders, thankfully dead, along the baseboards of Hesston's room. They were big, and I could never convince myself to remove them. So, they stayed until Ted or my mom could come pick them up.
Luckily, we had an awesome pest control service that knew how to spray for hobos. They did an excellent job, and the sightings decreased to only one a month by the time we moved out. I remember packing all our things, and praying we weren't packing any spiders. I just couldn't stand the thought of bringing them to North Dakota with us. And as we were doing a last sweep of the house, a big hobo spider had gotten stuck in one of the sticky traps, making my relief for moving that much more. I don't think I ever felt one hundred percent safe in that house. There was always a threat, lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce.
Scorpions
This is one that came unexpectedly and then got resolved quickly. I was never afraid of scorpions until they were inside our house. When we moved to Arizona, we bought a home that hadn't been lived in, and had sat vacant for a year. It was also out in the country, on a large lot, where scorpions made their home. Well, they must've liked our home, because we started to find them everywhere. The most frightening thing was, they were small scorpions, baby ones, so they weren't older and bigger, so they could hide better. They also didn't know how to control their venom, so their sting was much more risky. When I found on in our bedroom, I was ready to move out. I would check under our sheets every night, afraid of what I was going to find. During the summer, I would come home to a dead scorpion in the house, every day. Thankfully, we had a good pest control guy there, and he sprayed every month. So, they were usually dead. But sometimes we would find one alive, like the one in our bedroom, and my fear would spike. We also had spiders, but spiders took a back seat to the scorpions. As I mentioned earlier, the fear came and went quickly. We sold our home and moved to Island Park, and the threat of scorpions vanished. So, as long as I stay away from places where scorpions are, I am just fine.
Anything that could injure the people I love
This is such a broad one, but I am constantly scanning my surroundings and looking for a threat, especially when I am with the people I love. I feel like I am responsible for protecting those I love, and so I want to be prepared to protect them. When Hesston and I go on walks, I am constantly listening to our surroundings and scouting every inch, looking for a threat. I worry a lot about dogs, because I know dog attacks escalate with children.
I think this fear started when I had Hesston. Before that, I didn't have a lot of fears when it came to me and Ted. Ted is an excellent shot, so if someone was to break into our house, their chances of survival are really low. And, Ted is super buff, so that's an added bonus. I have also taken self defense classes that have helped boost my confidence and prepared me to better protect my family.
Well, I think I have written enough about my fears. We will close this chapter for today.
Kaylee, you are a making!
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